Dear Madison

by Concrete Jumpers

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about

Wow, this is surreal to write.
I realize that this project means a lot of different things to different people. Heck, I'm not even positive what it means to me. It humbles me greatly to read such kind words from such kind people, even strangers, about my music. All I ever wanted to do with this project was to tell my stories. The stories of a terrified college kid. A kid going through heartbreak, anxiety, and depression. I never realized until after I wrote these songs how much I really changed. I'm proud of myself for finding a creative outlet for my anxieties and connecting with some really frickin' awesome people. As much as I'll always love these songs, I also think it's important to keep them in a neat little piece of work. I'll still play them. I would never ignore these songs. But I also think this chapter is closed for now. There may be a time in my life when I feel like revisiting this project, but for now, I have to let go of everything.

I could go forever, but that's enough rambling. I'm gonna write a huge list of thank you's, because I owe certain people a lot for helping me get to this point in my life. If I forget to mention you, know that I love you and value you.

Love, sincerely,
Sam Wiehe

Mom - Thank you for inspiring me and never accepting my self-hatred. You are a wonderful friend and life-coach.
Dad - Although we have our weird ways of showing it, thank you for your love and strength.
Max - For being so god damn funny and dependable, and a truly amazing brother.
Mason - For being a brother when I needed one the most in my life. Your loyalty, passion, and creativity blows me away constantly. Thank you for understanding parts of me that a lot of people don't.
Robby - For more than I'll ever be able to fit in a couple sentences. The car rides speak for themselves, and your unique brand of humor and pessimism kept me alive for a year.
Eric - For being one of my first friends at the skill and for being a rad jam buddy.
Hudson - As many people can attest to, I truly think you are the funniest person I have ever met, even though your irony transcends reason at times.
Tyler - For being one of the piggiest Taco Bell eaters with me and injecting the world with scathing sarcasm that makes me laugh through cringing.
Lucas - idk man you're just funny as fuck sometimes and your intelligence grossly dwarfs mine but it's ight.
Delz - For being the sister I never had as a kid and for being one of the few people that can make Mason and I genuinely tear up with laughter.
Colly - For being incredibly inspiring and getting me through a rough couple of months.
Aaron - For having me aboard GAR and for taking a risk on a sad kid from VT.
Josh, Alec, and Jordan - For being some early musician buddies and for cranking out some killer sad tunes.

credits

released March 18, 2017

tags

license

all rights reserved
Track Name: Ghosts
Dear ghosts of my friends, who still live in my head,
I’d do anything to just get you back
Dear Christ, I’m alive and I’ve got so much time
That’s been pissed away, that I can’t have

Dear ghost of my brother, did you even bother
To let me in on your little plan?
Ditch me in fall, never give me a call
Had a wife before you became a man

Dear drugs that I took, the ones that shook
Me awake and wouldn't let me forget
That before I am dead, I’ll rid myself of regret,
My guilt and my fear will die first

Dear love that I had ,wasted on someone that
Didn’t bother to tell me their intent
Why’d I believe so easily that there was a you and me
In this rocky fucking place I call home?

I don’t know
I guess I’ll never know
We’ll never know
Track Name: I've Been Absent
Been gone so long, god damn i’m sorry
Haven’t been myself, i know you missed me
I know I’ve been absent, god forgive me
You are my eyes, now let me see

You changed a lot, good god believe me
Sometimes my past just feels so empty
My memories aren’t what they should be
Why shake the ground of my belief?

Your weary eyes got lost in mine
We pissed away all of our time
Shaking hands and looking busy
I hope you don’t forget what made me me

There’s so many things I wish I said
Things, as they happen, I forget
People I did not say goodbye to
When you told me you loved me, I wish I believed you

So as we lay here like two strangers
Who never knew a meaning deeper
We smoke and fuck and pray away the day
Trying to change things that we both know we can’t change
Track Name: I Should Have Loved You Presently
You said you didn't recognize yourself
You asked me if I thought there was a hell
I'm sorry if I made you feel like shit
That just wasn't how I felt I saw it

You said you missed me and forgot your own damn name
You asked me if I felt the same damn way
I'm sorry that I had nothing to say
Good god I wish we always felt the same

I'm nothing but those twelve songs that I love
I've been praying to things I know are not above
But I felt the pull of God inside my bones
I wish both of us were so much less alone

You said you wish you burned that shit with me
You asked me if you're clothes were too revealing
I'm sorry that I answered how I did
That's how I made you feel like shit

You said you miss the sting of it again
You asked me more about my brother Ben
I'm sorry that I told you what I did
I wish my family wasn't carved from sin

You said you saw a dead house in your dreams
You asked me if I knew what that could mean
I’m sorry that I didn’t have a clue
But that’s just how it always worked with you

You said you wish you could disguise yourself
You asked what it feels like to be someone else
I’m sorry that I had too much to say
I’d say anything again to make you stay
Track Name: Cornwallis and Kerley
I miss you, I need you
It’s getting hard to not see you
It’s getting hard to believe I don’t believe you
I’m a nightmare, believe me
This is hell and I can’t bare to see
You slip out of my reach

I’m honest, I promise
I’m a loose end, I’m a comma
I’m a run-on sentence here without you

I'm running low on time
I'm running straight out of my mind
You're my straight jacket
One more day, and then six more
I wanna keep waking up on the floor
I don't want you to love me anymore

Fall asleep on the train with me
Let the thick air of Chicago consume my self-pity
We can walk around, hand-in-hand
Maybe you can come to accept parts of myself that I still can't understand
Track Name: Feeling Sick of Not Feeling the Right Way draft
I guess you’re right at the end of the bar
A broken glass and a half-broken heart
You stumble quickly towards the parking lot
Don’t find your car, pass out in the street and repeat

You’re feeling sick cuz the girl that you met
Had her eyes on her watch, couldn’t make you forget
About the last one
Like she always did

Your parents say it’s time to settle down
You snap back “settle for what”

Leave a note,
Leave a note on the fridge
A list of everything that you regret
It gets harder every night you’re alone
You stumble backwards all the way home

You look for signs in the littlest things
The way he talks or the way that he sings
The way he asks you what you mean when you say things like that

He looks for things like the way that she stares
Off into space when she just couldn’t care about it

She’s feeling sick cuz the guy that she met
Was nothing more than a risky bet
Something she couldn't handle was the thought of regret

They all say that you’ve got such a nice thing
You ask “how the fuck would you know about that?”

Well I just want my love to be
The simplest part of everything
I crack my knuckles against the floor
My teeth are gritted, jaw is sore
Track Name: Museum Songs
I found your lighter with your initials in my drawer
You were never a smoker, what did you have this thing for?
I found a note you left me that says “still love me”
How could i do that anymore?
I visited your tombstone by myself in the snow
Why did I do that, why did I do that alone?

And hey Madison, if you’re still missin' me
It’d be cool to let me know

I’m leaving footprints all over my old tracks
I’m lost again, I’m panicking
And if you’d be fine with no more fucking notes
I’d thank you so much, I’d thank you for everything

I found myself feeling much lighter when you left me
There were no more burdens, no more empathy
I realized that the more I drifted towards you
I started seeing glimpses of myself I didn’t wanna see

And hey Madison, if you still believe in me
It’d be cool to set me free

And hey Madison, I know you know this one’s for you
I know I feel it, I know you I do

And hey Madison, if you still love me
You can share your fucking love with yourself
And hey Madison, If you still believe in me
That makes two of us and I guess that’s just as well

Hey Madison
Track Name: Half the Moon
Half the fuckin moon's been laughing at me
Been reminded of things I just couldn't be
Like how your new friend's your boyfriend, it's easy to see
That the more that I loved you the less that you loved me
And that's fine

Why did you fake it the first time
If you didn't feel the same way?
Why did I love you again
If you couldn't say the same?

Oh and half your fucking friends are probably laughing at me
And realizing that I'll never be a man in your eyes
So listen to your shitty bands, enjoy all my gifts
Stay warm in my sweatshirt, and don't give a shit about me
Like you probably never did

You weren't my safety net
I should've told you that
This wasn't everything that we needed
I remember feeling like an idiot
Thinking we would get married
I don't believe me
I didn't believe you
I never could leave you
Don't let me be a footnote
Let me mean something

Half the fucking moon has been laughing at me
Cuz right now I'm as lonely as I'll ever be
Track Name: Kick, Believe, Convince
Out in the cold
I'm shin fucking deep in this snow
Feels like 10 below
And we're stealing signs just to amuse ourselves

Oh
She’s so damn beautiful
The way the smoke glistens in her eyes
Makes me feel alive

Waiting for her to get back
Cuz I'm bored and want cheap love
And tonight I'll drink myself free
Of thoughts of you and of thoughts of me

Oh
She's so damn beautiful
The way the smoke glistens in her eyes
Oh
She's so damn beautiful
The way that she's been keeping me alive
Makes me seem alright

You go to bed
You tell your friends
You’ll never feel like this again
This time it’s different

You kick yourself
Believe yourself
Convince yourself there is a hell
And you’ve already met everyone who went there
Track Name: I Heard My Roommate Say
On the precipice of everything
Oh, your future stands so still
Waiting for a train that just won’t come
All your actions in the past sting but don’t kill

Wading through shallow waters
Just to get back home

Your friends, they used to tell you of their dreams
Dream they could only dream
Foggy memories obscure
What they could really mean

Waiting with a watch in hand
For a girl that just won’t show

Read the same book once again
Cuz I like the way it feels
Living looking back
Your shoulder against the wheel

Finding out too early
Things you hoped for just aren’t real

Hearing songs of hope
And feeling jealous like a prick
I’d be willing to say sorry
But I’m just too fucking thick

(On the precipice of everything
Your future looks like shit
On the precipice of everything
You can’t leave it)

And just as luck would have it
You just feel so damn sick

I heard my roommate say
He won’t sell his soul to it
But I feel that I’ve sold out
I’ve just been living with this shit

A wasted prayer for anarchy
The future’s looking hit or miss